Current location:	Home
Current mood:	anxious
Current music:	Dancing With Mephisto - Enigma

When I told myself the fall would bring changes, I didn't think I'd be making so many...
I guess I'm at a point in my life, where alot is going on and I'm making alot of changes. Not only am I growing as a person, but I'm taking chances to test myself. Can I do something I've never done before, and end up on top? I feel like I'm pushing myself right now to take risks, but I am doing it, to prove to myself, that I can do it.

I'm dissatisfied with my life, right now. The summer I had planned to be productive, was no where near as productive as I wanted it to be. I neglected by creative self, but I had no passion for it. The most productive thing I've done, was get a job. It's hard work, but I am making money. But, now that I'm working, I feel even less inclined to draw. And with school coming up, that bothers me. I'm hoping since I'm not going to be working as many days, that it won't be as bad as it has been.

The other big thing that is happening soon, is I've decided I need to move out of my parents house. I am tired of not being able to go out when I want to, than I always have to fight to go out and allow myself to have fun. I'm tired of being closeted and not allowed to just live. I'm scared, right now, because this is something different, and hard for me to do. I'm worried about making rent, and paying for school supplies, and making sure I still have money to live off of and eat. It's not that I'll be all alone. I -will- have two roommates. So, I'm hoping with their help, that I can make it through alright. At the same time, I have to go to school, and this next month, I'm hoping to prove to myself, that I can go to school and work, and will be trying to make myself work on personal art as well as commissions inbetween school and work. It's a tough requirement for me to make, but this is the real test. And, right now, not having the support of my parents is really tearing at me, because this proves how little faith they have in me, and its making things harder.

One of the things I hope to accomplish while living away from my parents, though, is being able to actually go out and explore the land I live on, to travel, on the holidays I don't work or go to school, to actually live. I'm actually completely flabbergasted by all the things I have yet to see, in just the Bay Area itsself, and its almost like living in the Army again. I don't want my whole life to end up being like that. I want to be able to live now, and to experience things I wouldn't if I was living at home. I can't say that I truly understand, or know myself anymore, and this is the only way I can find out. Sure, it means toughening it out, but if it makes me a better person, then why not take the risk?

And maybe I'm asking alot of myself right now. Lord knows, I have been stressing over all these things for a while, but I have to make it happen. This is my chance, and I have to take it. So, I apologise, if I've been a bit moody or gruff lately, because, having all this stuff on my shoulders, its been rough, and this might last a while longer, until I'm truly settled down and living my own life.

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